Porch Masturbation

In his post yesterday, Boston mentioned the greatness that exists in living off of a college campus. I couldn't emphasize this point more, and Boston pretty much did it for me, so I won't go about recanting the reasons. But for every caveat this luxurious lifestyle affords, there are just as many pitfalls, such as paying bills, not having free toilet paper to wipe your ass with, having to deal with actual police rather than the castrated college security, and other things of that ilk. Last Sunday, we oddly realized we were not as safe as when we previously lived on campus. We--and more importantly, our house--were victims of a masturbator. A public masturbator. A public porch masturbator.

On October 29th, the fateful night, two girls were enjoying Chinese food and a new episode of "Desperate Housewives" on the first floor of our home. As the show was coming to its conclusion, something else was coming to one outside on our porch. The girls heard banging on the windows and looked out. To their horror, they saw an erect penis staring at them with one eye. They came screaming up the stairs and recounted the incident to your humbles scribes. With beer bottle, frying pan, ski pole, and toy gun in hand, myself, Philadelphia, Providence, and Long Island ran after the perpetrator. Unfortunately, we could not catch the sick fuck, but he did leave behind something for us to remember him by: his DNA.

To finish this oddly engrossing tale, here are the essential details you need to know:

• He gained access to our back porch through a trap door. The porch is directly outside of a window to a room on the first floor of our house and is in the back/side (since we are on the corner of the street). It is about 15 feet long. He was less than ten feet from the two girls, seperated only by a pan of glass.
  
• He was standing on a plastic chair so that he his head would not be in view. Well, actually, that is not completely true. His head was in view; his face was not.
• For some reason, this sick fuck really gets off to people seeing him jerk off, so at the moment of climax, he used a piece of metal to bang on the window to get the two girls' attention. Gross.
• His semen was on our porch and window. Again, gross.
  
• He fled, and according to the cops, was probably watching the entire commotion afterward. Apparently, this gets him off too. Has this guy ever heard of the freakin' internet?
• Also according to the police, he did this at a Subway earlier in the day. Eat Fresh!
• In all likelihood, he has facial hair.
• From this event, we learned that Lewiston, Maine has the highest concentration of sex offenders in New England. Being a regional outsider, I find this very disturbing, yet somewhat hilarious. And if you've ever been to Lewiston, you would know that it makes perfect sense.

As you can tell, we learned quite a bit about ourselves, our community, our authorities, and public acts of sex. Mainly, that if you do it, you're a sick fuck. This enlightening experience not only made us grimace, laugh, smile, fear for our safety, and even cry (only the girls), but it led us to one of our favorite internet sites, the Maine Sex Offender Registry.

We do not know who desecrated our porch but we hope to find out soon. Now, we can only ponder. We think that it is this guy, but it is kind of shame that it isn't this one. We are thinking about setting up a fund to buy him a laptop computer, internet connection, and a subscription to whatever porn site he wants, no matter how perverse his "type" is. We'll keep you updated for possible donations.

And if we ever find out where he lives, we hope that you will join us in bukkaking his house.

I'll leave you with this video of our most famous public masturbator: