King Slezar of The Hill People

Man Space


This is the first chapter in a special Man-Space series: The Book of Slezdom Vol. 1: a short history. This month we shall travel back through time to seek out the origins of our proud and nobel clan. Tonight's series deals with the legend known as King Slezar of The Hill People.

According to various second grade text books, the origins of King Slezar starts right here in the good ole' USA, in a quiet valley known today as Knoxville, Tenn. As the tale goes, this valley was home to a peaceful and industrious people, who were known to roam the hills of their happy little territory. This was before cars and roller-blades, and so naturally the hill people loved to just plain walk around, just for the fuck of it...seriously. Anyway one day a young hillsman was going for one such walk, but it would be a walk like no other he had ever had.

As he strolled along through the forest he suddenly came upon a stream. Yet on closer inspection this was like no other stream he had ever seen...for along its velvety banks was a liquid of the most golden amber he had ever seen. The river also gave off the most glorious fragrance, a delightful bouquet of charcoal mellowed ash and caramel as well as other unidentifiable flavors. The boy was amazed by what he saw and smelled. He approached the stream slowly, almost afraid of its contents. He then knelt beside the stream and brought a handful of liquid to his mouth.

At first the liquid burned his throat and cleared his sinuses, perhaps this stream might have some medicinal purposes, he thought. But as it slowly ran down his throat the magical liquid began to take hold. A deep voice inside the boy suddenly shouted in his ears: "Drink more you pussy, DRINK DRINK DRINK or you'll never be happy ever again!!!" What could the boy do?, he had no choice but to drink until he puked. And puke he did, but it was the greatest puke of his life! After he finished puking his brains out, he began to yip, YIP, YIP! with joy and on his final YIP! he entered into what many modern alcoholics refer to as a "higher state of consciousness", where bottles of booze never became empty, where house plants looked like toilets, where hard concrete sidewalks looked like soft pillows wrapped in Egyptian cotton, and ugly slorish bitches looked like a Man-Space chick of the day. He then passed out buck naked and spread eagle in the middle of a field, a field that his hut-mate frequented...frequently, almost like a field that they both lived in...

Well his friend did return eventually, and he quickly noticed his young friend passed
out. He ran up to his friend and drew a penis on his face, and then after making a rock painting of the hilarious scene for future amusement, he woke his friend up. But he soon realized that some kind of tremendous changed had transformed his friend, for the young boy had awoken...A MAN! A man with a mouth unecumbered by useless front teeth, legs as short and powerful as fire-hydrants and as thick as tree trunks and on top of all this he had the most gloriously round patch of back hair like an island of bouge in a sea of slez!

As the pair returned to the village the people crowded around them in complete awe. From amongst the crowd the little of the smallest villagers stepped forward and said in the littlest kindest of voices: "Who the fuck is that jagoff, he smells like bigfoot's dick!!!

And so the man stepped forward proudly and with a booming Johnny Cash like baritone
exclaimed: I AM KING SLEZAR OF THE HILL PEOPLE!!!

And so the legend of King Slezar was born, and it would continue on to this day. Picture youself last weekend. You wake up in a random part of a random house in a pile of garbage/vomit. Your quickly realize that you're naked, so you take the nearest blanket and wrap it around yourself like a cloak or cape like device. You slowly stumble towards the door and swing it open to find all of your friends sitting around watching college football. They all turn around and look at you, and what comes out of your mouth?!?! I AM KING SLEZAR OF THE HILL PEOPLE!!!!