Faces of Hilarity

Facing a difficult day of hungoverness, I decided that--to my surprise--the best medicine for relief would have been a day of watching football. After a slate of relatively unexciting games and a negative in the gambling category for the early games, my interest in the afternoon games considerably waned. Part of this was due to the FOX matchup of Dallas @ Arizona (and not New Orleans @ Pittsburgh), but also the considerable amount of pot I was about to smoke.

However, my excitement was renewed for the Sunday night tilt in New York after a delivery of some seriously slezzy, but necessary munch from the Lewiston House of Pizza. The Bears and Giants were going to square off in a battle between two of the NFC's best teams with possible home-field advantage on the line. Plus, we had the added bonus of maybe watching Rex Grossman commit six turnovers again. With two resident New Yorkers in the house, it was going to be a good time, no doubt.

The first half really didn't disappoint. Grossman threw a predictable pick that was returned for a touchdown, and the Giants held a three-point lead at the half after a two-minute drive led by Grossman, which ended on a beautiful TD strike with under a minute remaining. With the game close at the half, I was excited about the upcoming half, and possibly a great finish to the game.

But, unfortunately, the Bears made Eli Manning play like a little bitch, and dominated the game. After Devin Hester's amazing TD return, which I felt like I could almost see happening right before it actually did (a terrible decision by Tom Coughlin to kick the field goal), the game dissolved into Bear dominance and my boredom. I was still hungover, and really in no condition to standup and actually do something. So instead of watch the end of a boring game, we perused the channel guide on our cable package and found two great shows on A&E.

The first was called "The Intervention". It was about a woman who was an alcoholic, and the efforts of her family and friends to send her to rehab. We were all pretty entertained by this show: the woman was nuts, the video footage of her wasted was oddly funny, and it was hard not to mock the people trying to help her because they were pretty slezzy. I guess you really had to watch this show to appreciate it. After saying she would go to the rehab, she and her boyfriend--who was a blatant scumbag and loser--skipped their connecting flight from Chicago to California, and instead probably went on a serious binge or something else that alcoholics do. Eventually, she went to a rehab center six months later. My guess is that now she is having a relapse because she seemed like a stupid drunk.

I didn't think that the show that followed really could have been any better, but "Crank: Made in America" clearly outdid its substance abuse-themed predecessor. The show centered around methamphetamines and the depravity that affects their abusers. Crystal Meth has become the worst drug in the country, wrestling that title away from heroin; at the show's conclusion, they say that there is a 6% recovery rate for meth addicts. Yikes.

Anyway, the show was unbelievable. There was footage of meth addicts injecting, blowing, and smoking crystal meth, and then giving their "reasons" for why they do it, and saying they can control their addiction. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe the funniest character in the whole show was not even a meth addict at all. It was this really ugly chick who was pregnant, and the child's father was a meth-head. She and he would go on about how he could control his addiction, would kick it when the child was born, or whatever. Meanwhile, as this soliloquy is being dropped on the viewer, this guy is getting high every fucking scene. It was absurd. In one poignantly hilarious scene, the girl is trying to be righteous and moral, saying that she will not have meth around her baby, and starts crying, and I guess the viewer is supposed to feel sorry for her or something. Well congratulations, chick, you do not want the most debilitating drug around you child. I commend you and nominate you for parent of the fucking year. And maybe the funniest part of this whole exchange is that she was SMOKING A CIGARETTE THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. And it wasn't like it was the first time she bouged (smoked a cigarette) in the entire documentary; she had one in pretty much every scene. What white trash.

"Crank" even featured scenes of raids at meth labs, and an amazing segment on "How to make crystal meth." I know that we were taking notes. Some of the characters they pulled out of the meth labs looked like they were straight out of the Blue Goose or some other hole in Lewiston. They were maniacal and I loved every second of it. Of coures, it all ended with how depressing the life of a crystal meth addict is (no shit), and the dangers of the drugs. The end. The documentary exceeded every expectation I had going in.

After the show was over, I was left thinking what the point of the whole thing was. I know it sounds douche-baggy and insensitive, but the show, for all its depressing realities, was pretty funny. The point is obviously to show the pathetic and depressing existence of drug addicts, while also raising awareness of the dangers of crystal meth. I, truly, find it hard to believe that someone would not know that crystal meth is dangerous (just look at its "ingredients"), and instead looked at these people as dumb and ignorant, with little sympathy. As for trying to make me not want to touch drugs, the description of a meth high as "so good that you will never feel as good unless you are high again" at least made wonder what it felt like. Still, I found the whole thing incredibly engrossing, and I was really unable to pull myself away. So I guess it succeeded in that respect.

All in all, on a scale of 1-10, I would rate the documentary a solid 37. I highly suggest you take a peak at what you might be missing. And if you think I'm an asshole or jerk for finding this stuff funny, I dare you to watch the below video, aptly titled "Faces of Meth", and not crack the slightest smile.